Introductions, introductions

My name is Kirsty, and in a little over a week, I officially begin my journey into mental health nursing. As much as I'd like to say I'm finally realising my dreams and have been waiting for this day forever, the reality isn't quite so idealistic. It's a little something more like this...


I'd decided to take Psychology at A Level before I decided on anything else. I don't quite remember where my interest in mental health came from (though I have a clear memory of watching a film about a young girl with an eating disorder on Hallmark with my mum when I was around 11 and finding myself absolutely transfixed) but the first day of Sixth Form, eight years ago now, is the day I like to think of as my starting point. Maybe my interest would have waned had I not actually been quite good at it (in a purely exam-taking sense) and two years later, I took up a place studying Applied Psychology at Durham University. I liked much of it, but neuroscience is at the height of fashion in Psychology at the moment, which meant that the vast majority of my degree was taken up with perceptual processes, strokes and cognition. We did but one module on abnormal psych during the three years, and it was taught at 9am on Monday mornings. I remember little of the lectures, but I do recall that a purely medicalised approach was taken - no doubt due to the aforementioned fashionable status of neuroscience.

My interest in mental health remained, however, and at the end of my first year I began to look into volunteering. Vacations for the rest of my university stay consisted of working as an advocacy assistant, and upon graduation, I began applying for trainee IAPT and AP posts, to no avail. I completed the Level 2 Award in Helping Skills and Level 3 Certificate in Counselling Skills & Theory and still came no closer to the IAPT post I coveted - I literally couldn't even get as far as the interview stage, and even now, doubt that I could.

I decided to focus on getting paid experience in social care to pad out my CV and applications a little more. For months, I fell victim to the ultimate catch-22 - employers wanted people with experience, but I couldn't get any experience as nobody would take me on. I eventually landed a role as a LD support worker with a charity that looked to hire people with the right attitude over a wealth of experience, and I'm still there now, two years on. I loved doing a job that made such a difference to someone's life, and - initially, at least - thought I'd found my calling. I began to help out with team leader tasks, took over writing my service user's care plan and myriad reports, and had my sights set on a team leader post, perhaps eventually even Supported Living Manager one day...

Then I realised: it wasn't for me. The problem? I didn't know what actually was. It appeared that the higher up the social care ladder one progressed, the less time was spent making client contact. A huge chunk of my role as team leader would involve being cooped up in an office, crushed under the weight of bureaucracy; as a SLM, this would likely only get worse. I love(d) working with my S/U, navigating the ups and downs of his disability and mental health problems, and above all, maintaining a relationship with him. But being a support worker forever didn't seem like a viable option, either. God knows it doesn't pay much, and whilst every day is certainly different, I believe there's a point where it simply stops being challenging. I'm not the type of person who can happily work in such an environment.

One of the best things about care work is that it draws people from all walks of life. My project is heavily reliant on bank staff, amongst them security guards, policemen, and prison officers (wait, maybe there is a theme after all...), one of whom is married to a nurse. Originally qualified as a paediatric nurse, she later specialised in epilepsy care and now, the vast majority of her job is taken up with teaching and research, presenting reports at conferences around the world, and generally kicking the arse of any doctor in terms of real expertise in the field. My colleague began feeding me interesting pieces of her work, explaining all the potential routes she could have taken once she'd qualified as a nurse, and slowly but surely began nudging me around to the idea of mental health nursing. Six months later, I'd applied and been offered an unconditional place at a local university. And here I am now.

I'm not anticipating an easy ride. The past two years have been a break, an intermission, and I'm not sure just how prepared I am for the hard slog of training for such an important profession. I'm slightly concerned that my critical attitude towards psychiatry (I'm heavily into the work of Richard P. Bentall) will be a hindrance when it comes to placements (though perhaps useful in the academic portion of the course). I have reservations about dealing with people with certain mental illnesses, like dementia and schizophrenia - it sometimes feels as though I hold the same prejudices I so often rally against. I'm self-conscious about my size - I'm 4'11 and weigh less than 100lbs - and the preconceptions people may hold about me because of it. More than anything, I'm scared that I'll feel I'm not good enough - even if I am.

But that isn't to say I'm not excited, or full of hopes and dreams. I can't wait to meet my cohort - I have some issues with anxiety (anyone I know reading this will be sniggering at 'some') and never thought I'd reach a point of looking forward to meeting new people. I can't wait to write essays again, and engross myself in topics that I'm genuinely interested in. I'm excited about new challenges and those lightbulb moments where I realise I've acquired a new skill, and that I can do things right. I'm even looking forward to those heart-stopping moments when my eyes settle over an essay mark or exam result - I'm looking forward to the sense of achievement, the motivation to keep going. I'm looking forward to enjoying things I wasn't expecting to, and hating things I think I'll like - I want to keep myself on my toes and never anticipate anything about myself or the course or the future. Right now, I have whimsical dreams of IAPT (as ever) and perhaps a specialisation in therapy or working with adolescents, but who knows what the next three years will bring?

This is the newest, scariest and most exciting of beginnings, and this blog? This blog is going to capture every piece.